eat but not excrete

Once there was a very advanced species of lifeform. Their civilisation was so glitteringly sophisticated and required so much energy to keep it going that they had to construct special devices around entire galaxies to capture every last smidgin, joule, erg, electron-volt of energy emitted from all the suns within all those galaxies.

After a while they realised that even those huge amounts of energy stolen from entire galaxies were not going to be enough to keep their civilization going, longer term.

So their scientists got together and came up with a solution. They convened a media event and made the following statement: "We have identified a vast, untapped source of energy. It lies within us. We have discovered how to make our digestive systems 100% efficient at extracting energy from the foodstuffs we intake to sustain bodily existence. It's a relatively simple operation, although not entirely painless, and quite cost-effective under the circumstances. To put it bluntly: everyone is going to have his, her or its asshole sewn up because in future we will not need to shit. There will be no personal waste. In future we will use every last atom, quark, gluon of whatever we take into our bodies."

And thus it was. Over a period of time, every member of their civilisation had his, her or its asshole sewn up and a waste-reprocessing organ-graft performed enabling the total utilisation of every molecule ingested via any and all orifices.

Then they all set to eating and drinking with a vengeance. And the more they took in, the more waste they processed and reprocessed and reprocessed, and the bigger and stronger and prouder they became. Why didn't we do this a trillion years ago, they asked themselves. How great is this. How cool.

Eventually of course there was no more food or drink to be had. Panic set in. Until they realised that their new metabolisms were more than capable of processing anything and everything, food or otherwise. So they ate and ate and ate. They ate their personal being spaces (houses). They ate their personal concealment wrappers (clothes). They ate their personal mobility devices (cars). They even ate up the roads themselves.

And the more they ate, the bigger and stronger and prouder they became, and the more they needed to eat to get even bigger and even stronger and even prouder still.

Eventually of course they ate all the matter in all the galaxies in all the universes in all the realities everywhere. Panic set in. Until a new realisation dawned. With glinting eyes the proudest and biggest and strongest turned on the others and ate them all up. Until there was only one left, an entity by the name of Kardashev.

Panic set in. Until a brilliant idea entered the mind of the sole survivor. With a glint in zer eye the last one started chewing on zer own extremities until ze had eaten zerself all up---thereby turning zerself inside out, and creating a topological impossibility so bizarre that something was created out of nothing.

And that was the event which we now understand to have been the Big Bang. Good night.

Copyright © S R Schwarz 2007. All rights reserved.

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